


Blueberry Pancakes for the Soul

by CamisadoBondaxx



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Fluffy, Levi doesn't die, Snkminibang, angsty, implied minor character death, its okay, neither does Hange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8015095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CamisadoBondaxx/pseuds/CamisadoBondaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked again. </p><p>"No." I responded. I didn't want to talk. </p><p>"Okay," she said. Neither of us moved an inch, resting in the soft comfort of one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blueberry Pancakes for the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> For SNKMiniBang  
> Honestly, this was challenging for me and quite a learning experience.  
> It is on the shorter side because I feel the story is complete were it ends currently and adding more words would just add to it negatively.  
> Nonetheless, I hope ou enjoy the read! Thank you to my artists!  
> (I'll link their beautiful works soon)  
> @levis-teacup-handle  
> http://levis-teacup-handle.tumblr.com/post/150259381642/my-snkminibang-artwork-for-camisadobondaxx-s   
> @taniuchiha

That night I came home after the sun had set nearly 3 hours prior. The beautiful pink sky was covered in a sheet of orange clouds.  
Like always I opened the back door slowly, so it didn't creak. I remained still and I listened. The house was silent so I walked inside. 

I had learned the hard way that the sound of silence was the only noise I should have heard if I wanted to go inside.

I stood in the entrance unmoving. I slowly inhaled for a moment before I turned to see who I knew would be waiting on the bed. She sat on the bed on her knees facing me. We only looked at each other at first - silently analyzing each other and inspecting every breath. She looked okay for the most part but I could see dark red marks trailing down her leg. 

Then I moved. Not towards her - not yet - but to the metal pipe that hung out of the wall opposite her. I grabbed a bowl and placed it beneath the mouth of the pipe before I twisted the nozzle to let water flow out. While I waited for the bowl to fill I grabbed a rag and some extra cloth from the cabinet. I shut off the water and made my way towards the bed. I didn't look her in the eyes. I couldn't quite yet. 

I pressed her back up against the wall and sat myself between her legs, facing opposite her. 

I leaned forward and picked up the rag that was soaking in the bowl of water.  
The water was really cold - it always was - but it would have to do. I twisted the rag and watched the water splash down into the bowl. I soaked the rag and squeezed the water out a couple more times for no specific reason. Once I finished with that I set to work. My position made it easy enough for me to to place the rag against the scrapes on her left thigh. There were two cuts that were nothing much to worry about but between them was a fairly long but shallow gash. The bleeding was just beginning to slow. I placed my little hand on the outside of her leg in preparation for the touch of the cool rag. I didn't think she would twitch away from the sting, she never did these days. I just wanted to comfort her a little. I slowly placed the rag on the wound and I began to add pressure with my other hand. 

She stayed very still. Her breathing never wavered. And yes, I knew she would be calm and it made me sick... But not as sick as I once would have been. We had both grown accustomed to nights like that. We had both grossly become impartial to nights like that. 

I put the rag back in the bowl and watched the red of her blood mix in with the cool water. Her wound had stopped bleeding so I began the process of wrapping it up with strips of clean cloth. Soon my work was done. 

I leaned back against her front, her breasts and her belly provided a warm cushion I'd grown to love. She reached out in front of us for our blanket that rested by our feet and wrapped it around us. 

Whenever she left for long periods of time, I never put that blanket down. It was ours, and it smelled like her. I never let her know it but I had become addicted to her presence and to her attention. Right then, though, she was there with me on our dingy little mattress in the corner of our dingy little house - our room, really. We looked at nothing in particular and we stayed in the same position - unmoving. We sat in silence comfortably. 

After a while I leaned my head back to find her already looking at me. Her bright round eyes never failed to hold a shine to them no matter how tired or sad she was. We simply looked at each other for a bit before she gave me a smile - a real one. A smile I was sure only I had seen. Perhaps earlier in her life others had been exposed to such a sight but over the years, her smile had fewer and fewer reasons to make an appearance. But it was a smile I knew could save the world... or at least mine. It always did. 

I smiled back. 

Her arms wrapped around my frame and squeezed. She squeezed so tight I could barely breathe but her warm embrace was something I craved. I let go of the tension in my body I didn't realize I held. I soaked up her touch but after a while I made her loosen her hold on me for a bit so I could turn around and get in her lap, straddling her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and squeezed her back. I aimed to squeeze so hard that she also couldn't breath, so hard that all her wounds would fade. 

She huffed out a small and quiet laugh but she squeezed me tighter and buried her lips in my hair. She rocked us back and forth slowly as she pressed small kisses to my head.  
She began to sing a nameless song to soothe us both. Her voice held a pleasant raspiness and she sounded stable. The song was soft and slow and painful at times but I knew it was for me. 

My mother only ever sang for me. 

Soon I fell asleep and just as soon I woke up. 

 

I first noticed that I was (still) in a warm embrace. It was very different but just as warm and just as welcome. Although, it seemed a bit tense. 

The second thing I noticed was that I too was tense. My legs were bent at the knee as I lay on my side and I had one hand between my legs, clutching my thigh with an alarming grip. My other hand had a similar hold on the sheets of my bed. 

I was shaking quite violently and my face was wet. 

I was crying. 

I also noticed that I was making fairly loud noises. The noises that came out of my mouth many would argue as natural or pure... Perhaps... But within that purity was gross and disturbing pain. 

I tried to hold in my voice. I tried to contain my shaking and shuddering, I tried to release my tense hold but I couldn't. I was hopelessly trapped within myself. I had barricaded myself in a small ball of hurting. 

But then that warm embrace was once again brought to my attention. At first the warmth just covered my backside but then hands were moving all over my body. They ran up my arms and down my thighs, stopping every once in a while to rest on my stomach and squeeze. As if to let me know that they was still there. They were slow in their journey but firm, rubbing out all of my tension. 

I began to quiet down a bit and I heard a voice. 

It wasn't soft and doting. It held a kind of firmness that I found comfort in. 

"... -vi... Levi ssshhh... It's okay, it's okay... Levi, it's okay... Yes, that's good! You're okay!"

I had finally shut up and I could clearly hear her, my Hange. 

"It's alright, that's good - breathe, my sweet, breathe. Relax~"

By then my shaking had lessened and I had released my piercing hold. I'd calmed down to listen to her voice. 

"That's it... Everything is okay, darling," she whispered. 

The room was illuminated by a faint glow, Hange had turned on her lamp. That was fine. 

There was a time when I didn't want her to see me like this. I refused to let her see me at my most vulnerable state. I didn't want her to see how pathetic I was. Surely no one who had witnessed such an off putting sight could stand to remain in contact with the person. I couldn't afford to lose Hange. I had only ever felt such a strong bond with another person once before and I missed it. I needed it. Thankfully, she never left me. She held me nonstop from the very first night. She pinned me down - for lack of a better word - forced her affection on me. 

"You dreamt about her again." It wasn't a question. She knew. 

Instead of responding I turned around and made my best effort to press myself as close to her as possible. She wrapped her arms around me without hesitation and I grabbed the front of her shirt tightly and pulled her close. I hid my face in her shirt and I shuddered. 

Not from pain but from a complete feeling of content. I was at home in Hange's arms just like I had been in another pair. 

She ran her fingers through my hair and she continued to hold me like I wouldn't let anyone else until she fell asleep again. Her hold loosened but it remained and I fell asleep to the sound of her endearing snores. 

-

We woke up in the same tangled position. I had woken up first - I always did. I merely laid there for a bit before I leaned my head back to peek at Hange. 

She had let her hair out of her ponytail before bed so it was everywhere. It just about completely blocked her eyes but she seemed to be sleeping contently anyway. Her mouth was open and she was drooling and I wanted to be disgusted but I only felt happiness. 

This slop was mine. 

She drooled in her sleep. She was loud and overexcitable at times. She used shitty pet names to address me. She held me tight at night and talked to me until I could breathe again. 

Eventually Hange woke up. I made sure not to wake her up myself. I never woke up first so when I did I took advantage of the designated time to look at her without getting any annoying comments back about it. 

Shoot me. I liked to stare at my girlfriend. 

Hange reached her hands above her head and stretched out scrunching up her face and arching her back as she groaned softly. She, with great effort, swept her hair out of her face and roughly rubbed her eyes. Then all at once she relaxed, blinking up at the ceiling like she had been awake for hours. 

My Hanj was so cute. (I'd come up with that nickname years ago but I never told her. I would take that to my grave.)

Soon those bright brown eyes found me. She smiled sleepily and put her arms around me again. She slowly rubbed my back as she pressed little kisses to my forehead. 

"Goooood morning, grump!!" I had actually grown to love the nickname grump. (Perhaps because of who said it and how she said it and what she meant when she said it often with that smile of hers that I love.) Though, she will never know it. 

"Tch, good mo-," I had never finished my sentence because she suddenly rolled over with me still in her arms. I rested on her front just for a second before I scrambled up trying to get some weight off of her. I knew I was heavy. 

She didn't let me up. 

"Hange, what are y-"

"Ssshhh... Shh"

She kept pressing my head down to her chest while rubbing my back and I tried to fight back but I quickly lost the battle. 

Fortunately, Hange had a very comfortable body to cuddle with - opposed to popular belief - so I relaxed to the steady beat of her heart that played a song I didn't know I needed right then. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" There it was. 

"No." I said. 

"Alrighty."

There once was a time when she would fight with me to try and get me to talk because it was 'unhealthy to bottle everything up inside' but she had learned how I work and we had both grown since then. 

We laid quietly like that for a while, content. It was Sunday so neither of us had work to worry about. 

Just as I was beginning to think that Hange would let us be lazy all day she sat up. Far too quickly considering a grown man was laying on her. I sat in her lap and looked at her. 

I knew my eyes were red and swollen and I probably had tear stains down the sides of my face and there was unfortunately a 70% chance I had dried snot somewhere under my nose. 

So overall there was a 100% chance I looked like nasty. Just nasty. 

But my Hanj looked at me like I was her favorite thing in the whole world. Like I was the only thing that could ever make her smile. 

I blushed - I could feel my face heat up and so I hid my face in her chest as I held back tears. I really didn't need to cry again. 

Hange didn't let me hide for too long. With one hand she lifted my chin up to look at her and I fisted my hands in her shirt. 

"You're just fine, my sweet," she said with a smile. 

Before I could respond, she pressed her lips to mine. 

It was just a quick kiss lasting no longer than 3 seconds but it was warm and soft and it was home. 

-

After a while we got up and my regular dosage of doting began. 

Her excuse for her pampering was that times like last night didn't happen often so it wasn't too taxing. But I had a feeling she'd happily shower me with love and affection everyday if she needed to. 

First, Hange ran a hot bath. She helped me get undressed but once I saw that she wasn't also going to get undressed I took a pause. 

"You know, I'm not getting in without you," I said with an attempted irritated tone but I probably sounded more breathy and hushed than anything. 

At that she smirked and got undressed as well. 

We rested in the bath together, enjoying the warmth and she had me sit between her legs so she could wash my hair. She moved her fingers through my hair so she could massage slowly just as I liked. 

When Hange first started pampering me I hated it. 

It didn't matter if I missed my mother or was otherwise just upset. It didn't matter that I wanted to be held. 

I was a man. 

It was my job to take care of my Hanj. 

I couldn't be vulnerable. I had to pull myself together. 

So, when she first tried to hold me I rejected her. I pushed her away - ashamed that she had seen such a sight. 

Fortunately enough, Hange didn't run from me. She kept pushing herself and her love onto me until finally I accepted her warmly. Until finally I let myself cry into the warmth of her bosom. Until finally I realized that sometimes I needed to breakdown and that was okay. I trusted Hange to be my rock especially on those rough days and she was always there for me. 

I was suddenly pulled away from my thoughts when Hange began to sing as she rinsed my hair.

~~Your love is overwhelming. Your beauty is so captivating. 

I'm intrigued by your existence. 

Your intelligence - exceeding. Your compassion - never faltering. 

I admire your persistence...~~

I stilled. Not becoming tense but just unmoving as to not distract her. I'd punch myself in the face if she stopped because she rarely sang at all. She never sang in front of anyone else and she had only ever sang for me a couple of times before then. 

 

So I listened. Suddenly there was nothing in the world except for Hange's voice. 

I rested my head against her chest and felt the vibrations of her voice. 

Honestly, her voice was something unique and amazing. Normally when she spoke, her voice could often be described as unceremonious. It held no delicacy and her words were often rushed from her seemingly constant state of excitement. One would never believe that Hange could sing. 

The contrast between her regular voice and her singing voice was truly great. 

When she sang her voice was very soft and very quite almost like she didn't want me to hear. She was not a shy person but she was a little bashful when she sang. 

Her voice held a strong vibrato that very clearly wasn't forced at all. Every word she sang flowed together beautifully and she could have been talking about green pigs in sombreros having tea while gazing at the sunset and she still would've sounded beautiful. 

I soon found myself easily going lax against her body as I relished in the beautiful sound of her voice. 

~~You are (thankfully) more than "the full package"

Oh but never, no don't you ever - stop. 

You promised to always be with me. 

So stay, my precious, stay. 

I Love You~~

To my dismay, her song soon ended. We took it as our cue to get out of the bath. 

I kept my eyes on Hange's back as I followed her to the linen closet across the room. She grabbed her green towel and wrapped it around herself, making a fold on top so her arms were free. She then grabbed another towel, a darker green, and turned around towards me. 

I thought she was reaching to hand me the towel but she reached past my hand and behind me and wrapped her other arm around me to grab the towel and wrap it around my frame for me. 

I gave her my best "really, Hanj?" expression but before I could say anything she put her hands under my arms and lifted me up. 

Caught off guard, I gave a soft gasp as she lifted me. My Hanj never let me forget she had commendable strength. 

"Oi, Hange!" I protested. She didn't respond, simply sitting me on the counter next to the sink quickly. 

She then just as quickly wrapped her hand around the back of my neck and pulled me forward softly to rest my head on her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around me once again. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked again. 

"No." I responded. I didn't want to talk. 

"Okay," she said. Neither of us moved an inch, resting in the soft comfort of one another. 

After a moment Hange pulled away and so I hopped off of the counter and followed after her out of the bathroom. 

\--

Blueberry pancakes and two fat sausage links sat on a plate in front of me. My favorite - especially when accompanied by the cup of hot Turkish coffee Hange sat down next to my plate. I couldn't help the small smile that I felt growing on my face as Hange sat down next to me placing a kiss on my cheek as she settled. 

Hanj wasn't a huge fan of cooking but she didn't mind too much and it was on days like then when she was happy to do so. 

I, myself, loved cooking. So much in fact, cooking for her was often a treat for me. Because of this, many of our mornings (if we had time) were spent cooking separate meals for one another. 

"You didn't wait for me," I said. 

"Kinda felt like holding you today," she said while putting an arm around my waist. 

I ate my meal in silence and Hange stayed fairly quite herself. Again, the silence wasn't unwelcome or uncomfortable. 

When I had finished, I got up and washed my dishes and set them next to the sink to dry. Then, I started on Hange's breakfast. 

Cooking had always put me at ease. It was just mindless work for me so I prepared the meal my mind and body slowly settled down.

I opened the fridge and grabbed two eggs.  
I cracked them and set them to cook on the pan that was still hot and ready on the stove (from Hange's cooking). I grabbed a potato from the cabinet and set to peeling and slicing it. When that was finished I put the slices in a different pan and put a lid on it. Then I flipped Hange's eggs and put two sausage links next to the eggs. Then I seasoned everything. 

I turned around to see Hanj leaning forward on the table with her head resting on both of her hands. She had put her hair in a bun. With her thick glasses and a shit eating grin to match, she looked adorable. 

"Tch." I turned back around. 

Her eggs were done so I set them in a bowl. Her potatoes and sausage soon followed respectively. I went into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of hot sauce before bringing Hange her breakfast. She bounced in her seat as the food came closer to her. 

"Thank you!" she beamed. I just gave a small smile in response. 

I sat down next to her and kissed her cheek. As I rested my arm on her waist I turned and rested my head on my other hand - an attempt to hide my embarrassment from my obvious imitation of her earlier actions. 

For a moment I didn't feel Hange move but eventually she started on her food. I turned just in time to see her dump the hot sauce all over her mix of food (Hange liked eating her breakfast all mixed together). She just about vibrated as she took the first bite and I sat silently as she ate. She'd occasionally say a few words here and there about the food - around a mouthful of it. My slop was wonderful. 

\--

After breakfast we decided to go on a walk. We headed down the street walking aimlessly, making idle conversation. I as usual stayed quiet for the most part. Only occasionally ever adding my own comments. Hanj talked about things she loved and cherished and she talked about things she was excited for. She commented on the scenery of the day - how the air was grey despite the sun being out. How it made the colors of the trees 'pop!' How the dirt and dead leaves on the ground looked pleasantly bolder. 

We walked for what seemed like hours, never really tiring or finding ourselves bored of the day. Though after a while I noticed we had traveled to a very familiar place. I didn't know if Hange brought us there on purpose or if I had, subconsciously, but we ended up in Wall park. The park my mother and I often frequented to give ourselves a little break from our unkept lives. 

It had always been a quiet place. Like always everything seemed still. The whole park was filled with giant trees that blocked most of the sun. Despite that, everything was still fairly bright. They produced a sort of 'cozy' aura throughout the park. There were old rickety benches placed here and there along the trail. On the east side of the park there was a small opening with an even smaller pond. Also very still, Hange noted. 

There were no ducks at the time but I recalled memories of my mother and I feeding little scraps of bread on the odd occasions we had extra. I recalled many other wonderful times spent with my mother. 

Hanj and I sat there silently for what seemed like hours. We basked in the warmth of the day and let it comfort us. 

I tried not to think. I tried not to feel. I listened to the sounds of nature all around us carrying on about its day unaffected by its occupants. 

In the end, the distractions were not enough. 

Soon enough I felt myself choking on nothing, completely engorged by the hurt that I kept buried deep inside myself. And soon enough I broke down, once again. She said nothing - seemingly not surprised by my sudden loss of composure - and wrapped her arms around me, once again. 

And while she held me there silently I began to cry. My emotions could no longer be contained and I quickly became a mess. 

Yes. Yes, I wanted to talk. 

It wasn't as if the urge to speak up had been pulling at me all day - that was hardly the case. But the feel of her touch and the sound of her voice and the warmth of her body, just the memory of my mother, had been in my mind all day. Constantly reminding me of something I no longer had and so I told Hanj about it. 

I spoke of nothing but the warm embrace of my mother while crying in Hange's arms for almost an hour. I talked about how I missed her and how she haunted me and how I needed her. 

Hange only spoke up ever once in a while to give me quiet assurances but was otherwise silent - merely rubbing slow soft circles on whichever part of me she could touch. Once again, she kept me grounded. And as I was in no where near the state in which I was earlier in the morning, her affection was appreciated all the same. 

I felt miserable and angry and a curious sort of longing but I also felt safe with my lover, like all the pain would soon fade and eventually everything would be okay. Her arms around me kept me comfortable and sane. 

My lover was my fortitude.


End file.
